Thought Bubble

Should one feel that guilty for eating a whole box of Girl Scout cookies when in reality those cookies are like teeny tiny miniature kid sized cookies? I THINK NOT.

That said, the cookies I sneak from time to time don't make me sick and I consider them to be a pretty nice little treat.

However, I fell off the un-diet diet wagon today when I ate half a bag of funyuns. It started with an irrational purchase and ended with my skin feeling gross and me feeling like I wanted to throw up. Which only proved that my eating habits were doing nothing but making me feel like crap. In other words, I've basically been abusing myself for years. Why?

Thursday is my birthday. I could talk about how gross I feel about turning 24, but I won't. It's an annoying topic. However, I must say I am considering not reading a novel I have to discuss that day just because it is my birthday and I personally feel as though I should be exempt from the assignment because of it.

Actually, that's not true. I just don't want to read that damn book.

I went out shopping today for some new jeans and had to come to terms with the fact that I must buy them in the petite section. While I've spent a number of years convinced there is nothing petite about me, I have discovered my legs are...in fact...freakishly short.

And finally, my new irrational fear is the following: I fall madly in love with someone, we have children, he finally...years later...decides to tell me he's gay.*

*this fear brought to you by actual real life experience in this subject and this photo essay.

Meh

I haven't had a coke (or any other fizzy soda) since February 10. I tried starting a new blog thinking it would help me be accountable, but I'll be honest...it fizzled out because I haven't needed it. It's the craziest thing, but I've just quit them and haven't looked back. And y'all, my addiction to sodas was deep. It was a very passionate love affair that dates back many years. I'm quite amazed with myself.

However, I'm constantly starving. I'm guessing the constant coke drinking (yeah constant, the addiction was immense) was suppressing my appetite somehow (100-200 calories per glass probably helped).

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Ah, yeah, so I wrote that like 2 hours ago. Perhaps I just have attention deficit disorder. Can't blog anymore. I blame twitter.

But the point is made, I quit cokes and it needed to be documented.
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Mostly the Olympics have been stealing my attention lately. That and bitching about the weather. I've pretty much decided to have a torrid love affair with Bode Miller, a cute first date with JR Celski, marry Apolo Ohno and make Johnny Weir my gay husband.

This is per usual. Every two years I fall in love with a bunch of Olympians. Despite Michael Phelps' somewhat unfortunate facial features, just watch me in 2 years fall for him all over again. Whatever.

Curling is the most ridiculous sport I've ever watched, second only to Ice Dancing. Actually, you know, they might be tied. Ice Dancing is pretty ridiculous.
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Note to self: stop buying the cat toys to play with. She likes boxes. And boxes only.

Photo of the Day

There is something satisfying about grilling when there is snow on the ground. We did it before the last round of snow, and again tonight as it was all melting. 57 degrees has never felt so good, no?

Family History

My mom's been researching her side of the family. We've long had questions surrounding the death of her maternal grandfather and tonight we found a death certificate.

The notable info:

Name: James Ewing Wilder
Born: May 8, 1906
Died: December 11, 1943 in Harlan County, KY
Married: Rebecca Wilder
Father: Sam Wilder
Mother: Catherine El do
Cause of death: fractured skull, internal hemorrhage (brain), shock, all due to a slate fall in the coal mine he was working in that day
Buried: Brownies Creek, KY

The last night my grandma talked to us we sat on our front porch and discussed the deaths of her brothers. I wanted to hear more about her dad the next day, I knew he died in the coal mines when she was 9, but I didn't know details about him. Unfortunately she went to bed that evening and was never coherent again.

For whatever silly reason this information about her Dad was comforting.

New Guilty Pleasure: American Idol

I haven't watched American Idol since the season with Ruben and Clay. And yet for some mysterious reason I'm completely hooked this season. This concept of performing with instruments? Yeah, that totally didn't exist last time I watched. These were my two favorite performances from last night's episode. I'd buy both of their albums tomorrow if I could.





Also, we (we including the mom and the Jon) decided last night that Ellen is an awesome judge. I'm not anti-Paula or anything, but Ellen's addition definitely sparked my interest in this season.

The Echo

First off, a photo. This has been one of my favorite indoor shots with my Canon so far. I love that dog.



But the important part:

Dad had his echocardiogram yesterday morning. The doctor will have the results to us sometime this week. Unless his heart function has decreased dramatically since his last echo in 2007 he'd like to continue treating him with medications instead of invasive procedures. I'm not sure how I feel. On the one hand a huge weight was lifted with the visit, something I've been dreading for four weeks. On the other hand we could get really bummer news tomorrow regarding ANOTHER freakin' cath.

But on a third hand (you know, if I had one), what's another freakin' cath when we've been through so many of them? At least it's been 5 years since the last one.

I don't know. It just doesn't seem healthy to continue stressing myself out. So I'm letting it go for now. Whatever will be, will be. As our family always says, it is what it is.

After the morning heart stuff we dropped Dad and Jon off at home. Jon had homeschool stuff to do. Dad needed a nap. Mom and I grabbed sweet teas, hit up our banks and the library, then we got her tax stuff together and dropped all of that with the guy who does their taxes. We did the dreaded Walmart pharmacy stop (I only visit that place when I have prescriptions to pick up), where we got the heart patient's next round of cholesterol meds (how fun) and lots of organic greek yogurt (yum).

Today I'm officially SNOWED IN. I just couldn't get my car out this morning. And didn't feel like running into accidents, or traffic, or screwing up the front end of my dear Grey Blur.

I'm still weepy about being at home though. Drama Queen...I am one.

Anyways, big bloggy news around here. I've decided, I think, to start another one. This one will be less about personal stuff, and not politics centric like my tumblr. It will pertain to my latest obsession: Food. Like changing the way I eat, cutting out the junk, getting my ass in gear and hopefully losing a bit of weight.

I haven't decided who all to share it with yet. But I will link it here for whoever out there reads this (which I know is more than who comments...cough cough, come out friends.)

Without further adieu:

Healthy Seeds

Photo of the Day

I bought myself presents to help my mood. I won't say it solved all of my problems, but having a new tote to look forward to is helping.

Mini Zip Wallets are normally $27
Villager is normally $72
Betsy is normally $63

Which means my order would have cost $189 but I got it all for $94. There was also a free shipping deal going which saved $8.

Now I just need to find a computer deal. Sadly, that search is far less exciting.

A Timely and Appropriate Quote of the Day

“We need to understand that there is no formula for how women should lead their lives. That is why we must respect the choices that each woman makes for herself and her family. Every woman deserves the chance to realize her God-given potential.”

—	Hillary Clinton

Fear and Self-Loathing in the 'Burbs

"My honors government teacher told Tim and I not to go to our five year high school reunion because it would just make us feel really bad about ourselves. Because all the rednecks and people we didn’t like who didn’t go to college would all be married and have kids and houses that they were paying mortgages on, and we would be fresh our of college or still finishing it, way in debt with a crappy job and a roommate. What I’m saying is he was so right. A reunion at this point would be really terrible for my self esteem. Some people would think it was really cool that I live in New York and work for peanuts and compliments, but mostly I would regret my decision to not marry someone from my town, build a house behind my parent’s house and do the same job my mom did." --drexin

Now gigantic DISCLAIMER: I don't actually think the people I went to high school with who have mortgages and babies are rednecks (eww, yucky term anyway) or that their decisions are bad in any way, shape or form.

HOWEVER, can I just say how much this spoke to me? Because it did.

I think this paragraph pretty much sums up why I've felt funky for at least the last year or two. Every single day I scroll through facebook with the most awful look of disgust on my face. I can't seem to shake this feeling that I don't stack up to these people. That I'm inferior because I don't have a house or a couple of babies. That I don't fit in with any of my so-called friends.

Nobody is going to invite me to any mommy parties. I can't bond with the homeowners. I don't get down with the wedding planners.

It's just not who I am.

(Not to mention, I can't shake the feeling that some of these folks look down on me because I don't have all of these 'blessings'.)

And since I've gone about college in such a weird way I don't really have friends from that set either. Sure, I have people I talk to in class. I have fellow history majors that I see from time to time. But somebody to commiserate with on a Saturday morning over a cup of coffee? Nope.

All I ever wanted was to do things differently than my parents did. I didn't want to get married at 21. I didn't want to have a baby by the time I was 23/24. So I didn't. I just didn't have a desire, at this particular point in my life, to sit at home and relive my childhood. That's just me being honest about it.

I should be happy with my decision. Instead I just feel like a failure who doesn't fit in.

I keep holding on to this dream that next year I skip town. Move out of the area, maybe even out of the state. I start over with people who haven't known me since kindergarten. I learn a new area. New stores. New scenery. And then I return to my high school reunion in 20 years satisfied with the way I've lived. ON MY OWN TERMS.

But then there is the doubt that creeps in during the middle of the night. The doubt that tells me I'll never meet anyone. I'll never have a career. I'll never travel. I'll never have friends who invite me to dinner parties. I'll die alone with my cat and my nieces and nephews will have to bury me.

I know that's silly. But it's my blog. I'm just keeping it real around here.

(P.S. Just to reiterate: I'm not opposed to having a house and a husband and children. Not at all. I want all of those things. But not right now. And yet I feel like a loser for not wanting them, or having them now. That's the point here. This conundrum of feelings.)

Photo of the Day